sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Strange
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!