other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
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STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.