Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
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Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
definitely did not do anything wrong
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind