[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
@funTweeters
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.