The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
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the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
What the hell is going on?
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
The cake is mightier than the sword.