I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
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My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
#titanic
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
won’t smith
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.