For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
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(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I never know how much to tip a cow.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane