FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.