[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
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My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Deer are just ballerina dogs
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!