Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
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My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year