My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
You Might Also Like
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
this has to be peak English
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!