got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
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I think this cat is broken
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Hotels are back
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!