150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
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Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“what that mouth do?” complain
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
i really liked this one
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
ugh not again