I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
You Might Also Like
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
🙅🏻
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework