I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
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Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
The Struggle
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less