Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
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I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
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I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore