Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
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What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
This guy’s not having it 😆
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!