Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
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I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What