“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
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People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Good boy 😂😂
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.