Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.