*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
me linking you to my twitter
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.