Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
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Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines