Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
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If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys