Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
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Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I falcon love using swear birds
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.