band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
You Might Also Like
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.