The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
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exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I feel attacked.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.