My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
This is a whole mood;
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?