I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
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Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
LOL!
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.