I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician