Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
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I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.