DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom