My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
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They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.