Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
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her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby