The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
You Might Also Like
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.