*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend