Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
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At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Monica just destroyed the internet
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench