Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
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What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Going to pronounce fecal like decal