Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.