My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
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Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.