Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
started wrapping my pills in cheese
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
every college guy’s fridge
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress