Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Straight people are cancelled
Doctors texting each other.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Cats are still liquid.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT