I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.