Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
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Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I’m being attacked 😭
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.