I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
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Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…