I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
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I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months