Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?