colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
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“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Just so funny
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant