I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man