There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
*exercises sarcastically*
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My dad is at it again