Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
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#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.